When the World is Looking Dark, Choose to live

“Never attempt to murder a man who is committing suicide.”Woodrow Wilson


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If there was ever anything constant in my life, it’s been my ever-present desire to be loved, my fear of death, and ultimately, unconsciously, a desire to die. A fine cocktail mixed for a lonely person whose fear of impending doom only drew him closer to it. The mental anguish, a torture of being too aware and an inability to find joy where many others might have, kind of drove me mad for the majority of my life.

How did I manage this neurotic mess? Well, my coping mechanisms had been half-healthy and half-unhealthy. On the healthy side of things, I’ve looked for light in the world, humor in the mundane or depressing and I’ve criticized this world to figure out what needs to change for me and others, I’ve also exercised. On the negative side, it’s been sex, alcohol, drugs, risks, and self-harm.

When I was about thirteen years old I used to cry myself asleep at night believing there was no way that I would make it to eighteen without killing myself. My depression was immense, persistent and haunting. I meditated on death much more than any healthy adolescent ever should. When I was seventeen, I began to self-medicate with drugs and alcohol, rather than video games, and I killed my consciousness temporarily on a regular basis. I’d drink until I blacked out, because I didn’t care about my memory, my life or my health. I didn’t care about bringing myself closer to death because I knew it would one day be inevitable anyways. I was in control and choosing to kill myself rather than to wait for it. At least, that’s how I felt on the worst of days. On the best of days I’d be fighting for my future…

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Even at the worst of times though, I’d always found a reason to keep on living. Living for myself had never seemed to be good enough though, and so I would always have to find someone or something else to keep on living for. There had to be an objective to get me from Point A to Point B, because I couldn’t live aimlessly and just wait for death to arrive. There had to be a reason to keep on struggling. There had to be some value in all of this pain and misery. There had to be something to procrastinate my inevitable death for.

The depression never went away but was dotted with moments of reprieve and what I call “happiness”. Moments that were so sweet, even they made me sad because I knew that would eventually end. When happiness faded, the baseline returned to me, my normal was somewhere deep and numb. Life felt hard and never easy for too long.

In the news, millionaires, celebrities and comedians found reasons to kill themselves even though they’re beloved, rich and famous. I knew that these deep and hopeless feelings were not just mine but that I was sharing the same hopelessness with others…

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Death sang out to me in prior years like a siren luring sailors to their doom. Every now and then I’d find myself driving, fighting my compulsion to just jerk the wheel at an opportune moment and end it all. When I’d cook, I might hold a knife and examine it with curiosity before I turned it against my steak rather than my wrist. My medicine, I respected in the appropriate dosage when I knew that the entire bottle could be catastrophic. I always knew that I could end it all, and repeatedly chose not to. To give up would have resolved all of my issues but would have made ripples in the lives of all who had ever loved me and those who still needed me around.

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Rock bottom can hit harder than a falling star and so, it takes every ounce of strength to make it through a crisis which begs for some escape. The easiest is death, the most difficult is time and determination.

Now here I am at thirty-one years old still kicking. Still looking for answers to all of life’s questions, still trying to value myself properly and those around me, but still choosing to live. Still telling myself in every situation, no matter how challenging, that life is precious and every obstacle can be overcome. We will only ever have this opportunity at life once. We may as well make ourselves useful, live for our children, our friends, whoever we consider family, our countries, our planet or our beliefs.

Find a reason to keep on living and fighting and know that you’re not alone. Open up to others and realize they need you too. You all deserve to live. Seek help when it feels out of your control and struggle is not weakness. Choosing to keep on living when everything feels hopeless is a sign of unimaginable strength. Choose to live because pain is temporary, and death is forever. The love that we have inside of us and the love that we have to give to others is too valuable to be discarded. You are wanted. You are loved.

If I’ve been able to survive, than so can you, and don’t be afraid to see a professional about it if it feels out of your control.

Fight to survive and afterwards, you can fight to thrive.

SuicideLoveYou

For Canadians: https://www.crisisservicescanada.ca/en/

If you’re feeling suicidal: https://www.helpguide.org/articles/suicide-prevention/are-you-feeling-suicidal.htm

Sincerely yours, the Wolf Boy

65 thoughts on “When the World is Looking Dark, Choose to live

  1. U r really very brave Mathew.Surviving all these feelings must be very hard.I went through something similar a few months ago when I felt alls over and I should die,but the responsibilities of children kept me going and now six months later as I view the situation I thank God for not taking any drastic step coz now i see clearly there are so many other options to get myself out of the situation i landed myself into..
    Very inspiring post.loved it..thanks for sharing

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you meena. Yikes, yeah depression can be all consuming and we can lose sight of the bigger picture. I’m glad you have your children to keep you going! I can say for sure, that having my little girl has been the best thing possible for my own mental health and well-being. Keep on staying strong. ❤

      Liked by 3 people

  2. Thank you for sharing so openly. I am glad that you are here to teach so many others out there that are struggling. My Father suffered for years with depression and really such a deep sadness. I understand him now as a 51 year old but the child in me didn’t know why he was so sad when I loved him so very much. He lived his life wanting to end it more than he wanted to live. The pain of that was unbearable.
    Hold on always… you have so much to give and teach… go out into the world and talk to others on a speaking platform. We all have a purpose in this life and our greatest sadness can become our greatest gift 🙂

    Liked by 4 people

    1. Thank you for sharing your own story. Depression can be such a personal thing, and it doesn’t always seem obvious to everyone else and it’s not even always understandable from the outside.

      I don’t want to pry, but did he give in to his desires or did he hold on? 😦

      Telling my doctor that I needed help was a big step for me. Took me a long time to do. Thanks for your words of encouragement Michelle. ❤

      Liked by 2 people

  3. First of all, I think it is very brave of you to be able to write something like this.

    I agree, we must keep finding some reason to live in this world. Things may be bad, and things may be terrible, but somehow, things may possibly work out.

    I had video games to serve as my lifeline in dark times. That, and a bit of morbid humor. Heh.

    “Fight to survive and afterwards, you can fight to thrive.” – These are great words to live by.

    Again, thanks for this post, and I hope you have a nice day!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks so much Jomz for your words of encouragement. There’s always hope, sometimes we just need to make it for ourselves.

      It seems like we both liked video games as a coping tool… and morbid humor… hahah

      Thanks for the comment. Take care, have a great week.

      Liked by 2 people

  4. My friend, your words, your honesty, and your openess will change the perception of others and save lives. By living your life out loud, you have empowered others to see themselves differently and realize no one must struggle alone. Thank you for your bravery! And though your struggles may not be unique, your ability to put them into words is!

    Liked by 2 people

  5. The danger of youth is the overwhelming sense that what is will always be. I too, ideated death as the only solution to teenage turmoil. Happy to say, I survived that era, and while the pull is not completely gone, at least I now have the experience to recognize that life changes, and often for the better. Honest write, Mathew.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. First of all, I’m so glad you have chosen & still continue to choose life! You are loved & deserving of love & you have a purpose! I greatly admire your strength & bravery! Thank you for sharing your story. I have no doubt it will reach the eyes of those who need to read it, those who need to hear they are needed & loved. You’re a light in a dark world, Mathew, & I consider myself blessed to call you friend! ❤

    Liked by 3 people

  7. Very sleepy while reading the post. But gosh, I can totally relate. I grew up in a chaotic and violent family. At one time, I tried overdose myself with painkillers but failed, I even felt somehow sad when my mother failed to kill me when she tried. I was only 12 then and I’m already dealing with depression. The sad thing about it is that no one seemed to take it seriously which make it even worse. But yes, I agree, seeking help is a must, the earlier the better…great post Mathew, more power, stay stronger. ❤

    Liked by 3 people

    1. You’ve had a tough life yourself Jess! I think we all have our own struggles and they’re all unique to us. Im glad youre still here and that we’ve met!

      I also tried calling for help when i was younger with no response. Totally defeating. You’re right.

      Liked by 3 people

  8. Hi Mathew, Good to read your post after long. You truly have an inspiring story and I am so glad that I can see glimpses of your struggles through your posts. Keep writing keep growing this year and every year. And yes,….Happy New Year 😉

    Liked by 2 people

  9. Love you even more, my Soul Brotha! Your authenticity is unlike any other. And as you share yourself with all of us at WordPress, you bless us all. More than you’ll ever know.

    Liked by 2 people

  10. This post broke me. I wish we can remember that we are loved and wanted in our darkest moments. I seriously admire that you’ve written about what you have gone through. Stay strong; it’ll get better.

    Liked by 2 people

  11. This is a great post. Depression is something I struggled with after my time in Afghanistan. Thankfully I never got too far down that road, I reached out when I realized I needed help. But it’s a much bigger problem for many people. I was fortunate that my fight wasn’t as difficult as theirs.

    Liked by 2 people

  12. Honestly I admire you for saying it out. It has been one of my issues. I had contained everything inside when I was going through a lot. I just thought nobody would understand it although I was wrong and about the fact that there are people who understand it.

    I hope you feel so relieved to put it out. Sometimes I feel like all of this is clearing up and better days are ahead. Sometimes I feel like nothing changes but I’m just so stuck in this cycle of being ok and then depressed. But think that, of all people who understand it also realize that how much we grow when going through these. In the end everything looks like a non-zero sum game. I’m making peace with myself. I hope and I really wish you do that as well. Giving yourself space, time to forgive yourself.

    I’m not showering with any positive affirmations and phrases like ‘this too shall pass’, but I wish that for you. And honestly we learn more about ourselves; maybe that would be the luxury we get, those who go through these phases. So so so happy to see this post.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I think you’re right, it can be an opportunity for growth and a reason for us to examine our lives and question what is working for us, and what isn’t. I’ve been actually having a great month, meditating more, experimenting with Yoga, excercise and making more friends. It has definitely been changing my perspective. I hope you’re able to find what works for you too! Thanks Sanjay 🙂

      Read any good books lately?

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      1. So glad to know you’re doing well. I’m going through ups and downs as well and anyway I’m okay. It is kind of crazy to see what some thoughts can do to us. I’m embracing and scared of it at the same time although I learned to make a better balance about it. I was trying to avoid these thoughts and distract myself from it. Now I’m accepting it. Like when I’m going through a panic attack I lay still and listen to it, listen what happens. And it helped a lot. I wasn’t owning my shi*. Now that I know things can be bad at times I have a good grip on my thoughts.
        And books helps me as well. Lately I started reading ‘Atomic Habits’ by James Clear. It’s about building small habits and building a better system rather than setting goals. The book talks about system is important than goals, which is non-goal oriented habits to improve oneself. I strongly suggest that book.
        I hope things get easier and stay happy and healthy.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Yeah, systematic small improvements and organization can really help to make our lives a little fuller. I’m glad you’re making progress and just know that you’re not alone. It’s a pretty common way of feeling unfortunately. It seems like you’re making good choices though and that book sounds beneficial.

        I have a lot on my reading plate right now, currently reading The Diary of Anne Frank which I’m really enjoying. Talk soon, and feel free to reach out if you ever just need to vent. 😉

        Like

      3. Thank you so much Mathew. And please feel free to do the same regarding reaching out. You’re not alone too. And true that it’s a pretty common way of feeling about life. Glad you’re reading Diary of Anne Frank. I hope you’re finding beauty of all things beyond the misery, like she said in the book. Sounds like a great choice. Wish you happy days ahead. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  13. Hi. I read this a while back and I wasn’t sure what to say. Honestly, I’m still not quite sure what to say. I appreciate the rawness and realness of what you’ve said here. I’ve always appreciated it in your blog. I think that’s why I miss your posts when they’re less frequent. I’m guessing you’re busy with school/being a dad/all the responsibilities you have. I just wanted to let you know that I appreciate you and I miss your posts and your presence and that I treasure your blog. Okay, bye.

    Liked by 1 person

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